BEWBS

We all have them to some degree. Unforunately/fortunately, I was given more than my fair share. All those pre-adolescent years wearing mommy's high heels and wishing I had boobs to look more like a woman has turned against me in the largest ironic twist possible. The fact is, I HAVE LARGE BREASTS. May my story be a cathartic experience for you: beware of what you wish for, you just might get it...ten-fold!

I don't remember the day that I realized I had large boobs. It might be my tactless family loudly informing me during my very sensitive years. Training bras were a thing of a past and spaghetti straps was going to be paired with a white strap (the only color bra I had at the time). This awkward stage couldn't get more awkward except for the fact I literally had NUNGA NUNGAS when I had to run the perimeter of the school for Physical Education.

The most embarrassing part of my middleschool life wasn't actually in school. I was on club swimming and breathing heavily on the wall. As I was clinging on the wall hoping my coach didn't see me skip another 100m. A kid in the other lane (about 10) asked, "did you get surgery for your chest?" Needless to say, I avoided hanging out on the wall so I didn't have to talk to him anymore.

But everyone makes fun of me now. My friend Sonja dressed up as me and I dressed up as her this past weekend. Before leaving she said, "should I stuff my bra?" in true seriousness.

But these fun bags aren't always so fun to deal with!

Struggling to be one of the guys is never easy, and no one takes you seriously when you have clevage a mile long.

Recently I played a beach tournament. There was a last minute addition to the team so I sacrificed a my shirt and opted to take a different gray I owned. IT was v-neck and low cut. No need to explain, just let the pictures explain to you.

Oh look, a guy is sitting on a girl and killing her, oh wait HI BOOBS

Whoa, I hope that dude clears over those girls. OHAI BOOBS COMING OUT OF NECK

I will forever make turtlenecks look slutty. So here is a video to give you ideas on what to call me the next time you see me. Odds are, I'll reluctantly look at you with laser for eyes.

Convos with Bryce

Summer time means that I have a lot of time, to invest into obligations. I guess I have the option of ignoring my family's request for me to 'do them a favor' but they tend to send over my cousins to guilt trip me into doing something for them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but daily babysitting two rascals where one is probably mildly retarded (he frequently forgets to wear underpants) is hard to accept when you're being paid lower than minimum wage. Anyways, despite these 'optional obligations' my aunt wanted me to tutor her kids in piano. It's not so terrible if I didn't already have to listen to terrible piano practices for 2. fricken. hours. everyday. I am sure the only others who understand this amount of cacophony are Ke$ha's music recorders and Vuvuzela quality control testers. After saying 'no' in the most direct but politest way many times, my aunt used her kids to ask me. My cold cold heart could no longer stand against these whiny-voiced sticky-handed children. She ingeniously told them to run up to me and give me a hug before asking. That smart bitch. Below is Bryce, the large wave that swayed me into the shore of saying "sure' :(

Don't get me wrong, hanging out with my cousins is a huge perk to this thankless, moneyless job. Also, since they're such noobs, they think piano playing is fun (HAH. just wait...) so teaching isn't so difficult when the student is so eager. This story has a point. I swear.
So today, my usual Friday means teaching them, hanging out with them until dinner, then getting home. The kiddies include Bryce (8?) Izzy (10?) and Cait (4 months). We were all hanging out and feeding Cait but Izzy wanted to play Pixieworld, Neopets gone gay. As a scantily dressed slut with wings, you go around collecting crap like SNOWFLAKES and you go on MISSIONS. It's pure bull and Izzy pours a good chunk of her childhood into it. Great outlook for the future of our children.
the conversation unfolds in the following way:
Izzy : Baby doesn't want to eat dad, she just wants to look at things and smile
The Dad : IZZY, you play all day, feed your sister for like 15 minutes.
Izzy : but DAD, she isn't eating. (whine whine)
Me: Can I do it? You can play
Bryce: you're going to feed her?
Me:yeah?
Bryce : are you going to BEST Feed her?
Me : wait what? no. BEST FEED!?
Bryce : i mean BREAST FEED
Me : NO. Do I look like I can breast feed her?
Bryce : yes. I can't because i don't have boobies
Me : no. i plan on using the bottle.

He is just as funny in person as he is posing for the above photo.