Maybe as a source of dowry, or currency

I swear, at least 75% of the conversation with my grandma involves food. She insists that I never go hungry (and I'm pretty sure I have fat reserves to sustain me for months just in my boobs alone). The most frequent food she insists is fruits. Certain fruits are a special commodity. The Rambutan for example - my aunt recently went to Flo Rida (state not rapper) and smuggled us a bag full. As much as I enjoy these hairy balls, they make my throat itch for I am allergic. I also like Jackfruit, but I get tired of it easily since it's extremely sweet and makes my mouth parched every time I eat it. I like fruits but I'm very particular about the amount. Anyways, I swear, if we're not talking about when I'm going to get married, why I'm not trying to be a doctor, or why my skin is so dark, we are talking about food. And it's usually about me taking some sort of fruit from her. Thanks but Nah, ma.

My mom says I need to stop carrying my cousins because I look like a mom. Maybe it's my uncontrollable maternal beacon but kids seem to like me. Because of that, I hang out with my cousins, niece (just one!), and nephews a lot. This, despite looking younger than my sister and being shorter than the average 12-year-old, makes me feel like I should sign up for 20 years younger on TLC. I would actually like 2 but that's what's hot now-a-days right?

Without children in tow, I can pull off the kid look. I went to YMCA to get a free membership today.  I could get one as long as ! pose as my cousin's (an employee) 20-year-old sister. I memorized her address but what I failed to consider is the actual year I was born in. So first rule of being a con artist, get your facts together!
I got the membership anyways so cool. And if you needed to know. it's 1990.

My family is FUNNY

It's without a doubt that my family is funny. My cousin, Bryce, was the star at the show (unsurprisingly) during his recent one-man-hula-hooping show. I always prided myself on winning the hula-hooping contest in middle school. I won a one dollar prize at the student store. I think I got a water bottle (TROPHY OF CHAMPS). But in reality, I would be dethroned as the best hula-hooper in the Nguyen-Tran dynasty.

Bryce stole the show with his holocaust-resembling body gyrating in interesting feats. Thought you could hula hoop? This kid can double the speed and fast-forward it overtime. You can do tricks? This kid jumps while he hula-hoops. JUMPS! If he wasn't a boy, 9-years-old, and didn't hit puberty yet, he would be the greatest Vegas performer, but alas, God works in mysterious ways.

But enough with Bryce, the greatest stand-up commedian is my cousin Kevin.

You know how it goes in the VN! karaoke, baby. Kevin's the one spittin' rhymes on the mic

Always quick witted and is a one-upper. My favorite type of funny. During his older sister's goodbye party, we sat through a very moving (read: incredibly awkward) family gathering which went on way too long. Kim was at the center of attention and everyone gave her "words of wisdom". The best was definitely her grandfather who gave an amazing speech on the beauty of a flower is based on the make up of the entire plant and how it correlates to the people in your life. Basically what he expressed in Vietnamese was the fact that a flower is beautiful in it itself, but it's foliage is what gives it true beauty and gives it the nutrients it needs. The roots and leaves are the people in your life who gives you nourishment to bloom into the beauty that you are. You can cut away the leaves, but you no longer have the striking image you had previously with the leaves. "Don't leave (leaf) us". HA. It was very impromptu and was amazing. But this blog isn't about inspiration, it's about being funny and about hurting others in the exchange for our humor. Anyways, one of my cousins is older than me and for lack of better words, she was a bit of a failure. Didn't finish community college and directionless for 7 years after graduating college, she went to a private school to do nursing and we have yet to see any jobs resulting from this. As we were suffering through more awkward words of wisdom (one of the speakers started playing religious pop music) Kevin and I were crackalakin some jokes (as well as farts, our favorite bonding mechanism). As the sun was blazing through the window and straight into our retinas, we took refuge behind the throw pillows. Kevin then suggested (read: threatened) to say something and it went a little like this

Kevin: Be sure to listen to the family because if you don't (lowers throw pillow)
and in our direct line of vision is Van
this will happen to you.

Van won third place in a north american vietnamese pageant. She thought it was the greatest thing ever, but unfortunately, no one cared.... BECAUSE SHE GOT THIRD. I wanted to do it and win second so it would literally dethrone her and it would be hilarious. My mom suggested against it. Pageant girls are notoriously unsuccessful in life.

below is the visual representation of the hilarious moments with kevin in pictoral form.
pillow:

(lowers pillow) - Van

Hilarity 

btw. pictures. SO INTENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. IT'S SO REAL! PEOPLE ALWAYS WALK AROUND WITH HAIR LIKE THAT. AND SHOES THAT GROSS. AND PANTS THAT RIPPED.

Kevin also suggested taking steroids and getting tattoos. Specifically a Lizard. The Sobe one. With it's tail wrapped around the arm. OH YEAHHH.

In other news, I went running and it was a lukewarm 98 freakin degrees when I started. I also had a run-in with my arch nemesis, cantaloupe which I unintentionally ingested which caused major owies in the middle of the night and in the morning. It's cool, waking up gasping for air is how I usually feel when I swim something more that a 50. While I was running up the hill that is Quimby Road, this hot shot guy was running up and down timing himself while I was slowly trekked up the mountainous terrain. I can't imagine doing that hill more than once, and doing anything more than a jog (let's be real, I was walking most of it)

LG SET ME FREE

I went to visit Mommy Monster during her concert. Oh yeah, no big deal, I only saw LADY GAGA AT HER FULL GLORY. It was a last minute purchase online. Thanks guy! At 80 per ticket, we paid below face value. How did this happen? You may ask. Well Anh scoured craiglist for weeks and took advantage of the opportunity she found online from a guy who unfortunately couldn't go because they were tickets he and his girlfriend was supposed to use.... except they broke up and he couldn't find anyone to go with :( Well, the silverlining of this relationship ending comes in the form of Anh and Annie's happiness. I'm sorry pal, but thanks for the awesome tickets!
It was between these and floor tickets but being a lazy cow, I opted for seats despite standing up most of the time and dancing with everyone. But I didn't really dance, because I was literally in a trance the ENTIRE TIME. Musical + club scene + movie + play + amazing Dance music + gays + everything that glitters = LADY GAGA CONCERT. Before it ended, I wanted to shell out more monays to go the next night.
During the entire show, these awesome gay guys sat in the row in front of me but since LG was in in our proximity (kinda) they were PDA-ing to the max. But the thing was, they looked so hood with the caps with the sticker still on it and baggy pants. They were too good to be true.
Anyways listen to Lady GaGa. Especially while driving, sitting doing nothing, and especially RUNNING. Today I ran 8 miles and it didn't feel like 1/4th of a marathon because Monster and So Happy I Can Die was on repeat. Lady GaGa has healing properties!
be jelly

Lady GaGa - Monster

This tampon isn't the most absorbent thing on my body

What's your super power? Jump really high? Run 6 minute miles? The ability to consume a handle of alcohol and still have the functionality of your major organs? Well, mine's the ability to attract cancerous UV rays into my skin cells to produce copious amounts of Melanin.
You may have heard me proudly proclaim that I'm planning on running a marathon in October, but I am way behind in training. Today I was going to wake up to run early, but I convinced myself that the sun would soon melt the cool overcast and eventually, people would have to peel me off the cement that I've adhered myself to after fainting due to dehydration set on by the buckets I've sweat out. I went running after I really woke up (2 hours after my initial wake-up) and I ran. damnit I should have ran earlier because the weather was perfect up until noon when it got hot and my run became incredibly boring. I ran around my block after running through my usual run path and ran a whopping 7 miles out of the 12 miles that I was supposed to run. It's cool though. Instead of eating a hot pocket, I opted for a lean pocket to cut the calories I would have burned if I ran the extra 5 miles. Anyways, the point of this story was that despite my run being mostly in overcast and I ran for about 1.5 hours. I tanned through my shirt. Don't ask me how I do it, it's an amazing non-beneficial super power I just happen to have that all the white girls across America are envious of. I'm sure I could tan through a metal armor while sitting in a bomb shelter if I didn't wear sunblock.

SPF ∞ (Approximate Estimation)

Convos with Bryce

Summer time means that I have a lot of time, to invest into obligations. I guess I have the option of ignoring my family's request for me to 'do them a favor' but they tend to send over my cousins to guilt trip me into doing something for them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but daily babysitting two rascals where one is probably mildly retarded (he frequently forgets to wear underpants) is hard to accept when you're being paid lower than minimum wage. Anyways, despite these 'optional obligations' my aunt wanted me to tutor her kids in piano. It's not so terrible if I didn't already have to listen to terrible piano practices for 2. fricken. hours. everyday. I am sure the only others who understand this amount of cacophony are Ke$ha's music recorders and Vuvuzela quality control testers. After saying 'no' in the most direct but politest way many times, my aunt used her kids to ask me. My cold cold heart could no longer stand against these whiny-voiced sticky-handed children. She ingeniously told them to run up to me and give me a hug before asking. That smart bitch. Below is Bryce, the large wave that swayed me into the shore of saying "sure' :(

Don't get me wrong, hanging out with my cousins is a huge perk to this thankless, moneyless job. Also, since they're such noobs, they think piano playing is fun (HAH. just wait...) so teaching isn't so difficult when the student is so eager. This story has a point. I swear.
So today, my usual Friday means teaching them, hanging out with them until dinner, then getting home. The kiddies include Bryce (8?) Izzy (10?) and Cait (4 months). We were all hanging out and feeding Cait but Izzy wanted to play Pixieworld, Neopets gone gay. As a scantily dressed slut with wings, you go around collecting crap like SNOWFLAKES and you go on MISSIONS. It's pure bull and Izzy pours a good chunk of her childhood into it. Great outlook for the future of our children.
the conversation unfolds in the following way:
Izzy : Baby doesn't want to eat dad, she just wants to look at things and smile
The Dad : IZZY, you play all day, feed your sister for like 15 minutes.
Izzy : but DAD, she isn't eating. (whine whine)
Me: Can I do it? You can play
Bryce: you're going to feed her?
Me:yeah?
Bryce : are you going to BEST Feed her?
Me : wait what? no. BEST FEED!?
Bryce : i mean BREAST FEED
Me : NO. Do I look like I can breast feed her?
Bryce : yes. I can't because i don't have boobies
Me : no. i plan on using the bottle.

He is just as funny in person as he is posing for the above photo.

The Start of a New Beginning. Again

Basically, I want to be able to look back and revel in the days of hilarity. Coming from a huge family and a solid support system of friends means an abundance in laughs. I always feel like ease-dropping on people's lives by living through their blogs and facebook stalking their profiles. Some may say it's creepy, but what better way of finding the truth than straight from the horse's mouth? My life may not be written into a biography (Justin Beiber), but I look forward to sharing good times from life: the small details that brings tiny joys that are so easily forgotten in the chaos of everyday distractions, impeding commitments and minor set-backs. Hopefully, this blog will show a skewed view of life presenting itself in the most favorable of lights. Life as a comedy.