This tampon isn't the most absorbent thing on my body

What's your super power? Jump really high? Run 6 minute miles? The ability to consume a handle of alcohol and still have the functionality of your major organs? Well, mine's the ability to attract cancerous UV rays into my skin cells to produce copious amounts of Melanin.
You may have heard me proudly proclaim that I'm planning on running a marathon in October, but I am way behind in training. Today I was going to wake up to run early, but I convinced myself that the sun would soon melt the cool overcast and eventually, people would have to peel me off the cement that I've adhered myself to after fainting due to dehydration set on by the buckets I've sweat out. I went running after I really woke up (2 hours after my initial wake-up) and I ran. damnit I should have ran earlier because the weather was perfect up until noon when it got hot and my run became incredibly boring. I ran around my block after running through my usual run path and ran a whopping 7 miles out of the 12 miles that I was supposed to run. It's cool though. Instead of eating a hot pocket, I opted for a lean pocket to cut the calories I would have burned if I ran the extra 5 miles. Anyways, the point of this story was that despite my run being mostly in overcast and I ran for about 1.5 hours. I tanned through my shirt. Don't ask me how I do it, it's an amazing non-beneficial super power I just happen to have that all the white girls across America are envious of. I'm sure I could tan through a metal armor while sitting in a bomb shelter if I didn't wear sunblock.

SPF ∞ (Approximate Estimation)